The verdict is in. You are
Every crew needs balance. You’re the Pool Zombie — send this to your Fanny Pack Dad. Someone has to carry the sunscreen.
From the field guide
Habitat
The daybed, the shallow end, and eventually the IV lounge.
Diet
A three-foot frozen margarita and one chicken tender at 4pm.
Distinctive behaviors
Sleeps through the DJ he paid to see. Cannot explain the wristband. Says “we should do this every year” while visibly dying.
Natural predators
The sun, and cabana minimums.
Conservation status
Endangered by July. Fully repopulates every Friday.
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